Whenever I think of writing a devo or sharing about my life, I always think there could be someone else better. Someone who could share better and who has a better story than me. I think that my story isn’t “enough” or that my testimony doesn’t have enough compelling moments in it.
Suffice it to say, I struggle with thoughts of being “enough.”
Growing up, I stood in the shadows. I did everything I was told. I was dependable. I showed up for things.
But I never thought I was worth anything.
In Jr. High, I got a taste of public school in the church youth group. I was homeschooled so I wasn’t exposed to the drama that most kids went through. But I did get a taste of it.
Because I did what I was told and brought my Bible with me every week and knew the answers to all those Sunday school questions, I was placed in the “unpopular” crowd.
Because I didn’t have a boyfriend, because I wasn’t outwardly obsessed with guys or my looks, and was a little frumpy (who wasn’t back in the day trying to navigate the awkward stage?), I was an outcast.
I never fit in.
I remember one of the “popular” girls once came up to me and told me she wanted to be my friend because she was done with the “cool kids.” I was torn between feeling elated because I didn’t have many friends but then on the flip side wondering, “if I’m not a cool kid, then what title did that put me in? A loser?”
I had few close friends but they all fell through when they got an upgrade with someone better to hang out with.
I was never enough.
Correction, I didn’t feel like I was enough.
I would stew over thoughts of everything I was lacking. I would write down my dark thoughts in my journal. I would look into the mirror and hate myself. I hated who I was.
That’s what led to suicidal thoughts.
I would ruminate over thoughts of killing myself. I would picture doing the deed. Just ending it. Those thoughts would make me feel better. And I thought about it all of the time.
My darkness invaded my mind.
I didn’t realize people picked up on my past darkness until a little later my sister - whom I shared a room with at the time - told me she would be scared to go to sleep at night because she didn’t know if I would wake up the next day.
Like velcro, all of the words I spoke over myself stuck: “unloveable, ugly, failure, a mistake, NOT ENOUGH!”
The only thing staying my hand from taking my own life was Jesus.
I feel like this could sound like a cheesy Christian thing, but believe me when I say IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF JESUS.
Jesus radically changed my life one evening while I was upstairs on the church balcony. As I sat alone during a worship service, He began to tear down the walls of the lies that surrounded me. Every dark lie that I had ever spoken over myself was brought to light.
I was able to surrender everything over to Him as I sang “Open the Eyes of My Heart”. And in that moment a revelation overtook me and I was able to see with new eyes.
I was surrounded by God’s presence and was purged of the darkness.
It didn’t happen all at once, mind you. But just like refining fire, the dross was scraped away stroke by stroke to reveal the bright and pure surface underneath.
God faithfully and lovingly pulled me back into the light when darkness tried to creep in. It’s because of being in His presence - sitting in fellowship with Him - that I am able to determine lie from truth.
And what better way to determine truth from lie than to go to the source: God’s Word.
“Sanctify them by Your truth. Your Word is truth. As You sent Me [Jesus] into the world, I also have sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify Myself, that they also may be sanctified by the truth.” John 17:17-19
WHEN THE STRUGGLE OF FEELING NOT ENOUGH INVADES, REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE AND WHOSE YOU ARE
“But thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overtake you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.” Isaiah 43:1-2
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14
“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.” Ephesians 2:13
WHEN THE DARKNESS CREEPS IN REMEMBER TO DRAW NEARER TO LIGHT
“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5
“For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the world. Walk as children of light.” Ephesians 5:8 (Notice the way that last sentence is written - it’s not a suggestion but a command.)
WHEN THE BATTLE OF THE MIND RAGES, REMEMBER TO LOOK UP
“If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. SET YOUR MIND ON THINGS ABOVE, not on things on the earth.” Colossians 3:1-2
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:2
“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things.” Philippians 4:8
WHEN THE FEELING OF PURPOSE IS LOST, REMEMBER WHO PAVES THE WAY
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 (notice those last words...a future AND a hope.)
WHEN YOU WANT TO GIVE UP, REMEMBER WHO HAS WON THE BATTLE AND THAT YOU’RE WORTH IT
“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
“For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith.” 1 John 5:4
“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 15:57
“We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” Romans 8:37
“For the Lord your God is He who goes with you to fight FOR YOU against your enemies, to give you the victory.” Deuteronomy 20:4
“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13
Bring all of your insecurities to the Lord.
The feeling of not enough. The wanting to give up. The never amounting to anything. The lack of purpose. Allow Him in to sort through the lies and show you what He thinks of you.
Yes, I still struggle with the lies of not feeling enough...BUT I am now in a place where I am able to determine the lies for what they are when I see through the eyes of truth.
As I draw closer to His presence, all of the darkness flees.
I encourage you, my friend, to sit in the presence of God and let Him pour over you His love and truth. You are loved by the Creator of the heavens and earth. You are valuable and you are enough to be pursued by the King of kings.
Your life matters.
Life is a gift too precious to waste with the wrong mindset.
Please don’t listen to the lie that you’re nothing. That you’re worthless. That you’re not enough. Because the Lord deemed you worthy enough to give His life FOR YOU.
~ Kissy Black