I would never say that not having my dad in my life effected me.

I had two beautiful and strong women in my life and I really always felt I didn’t need a man for anything.

But you don’t know what you don’t know.

I never knew or felt the love a Father has for his daughter.

When my husband and I had our daughter, I thought, now I could give her what I never had and live vicariously through their bond.

I would see what it was to have a dad.

Although I’m thankful for their connection, it really couldn’t effect my heart personally and uniquely the way that it would if I had my dad affirm me personally.

We don’t realize that our dads dictate so much of how we view ourselves.

Our dads have the ability to build us up, tear us down and speak over our identity.

Regardless of how good, bad or present your dad was, his words or lack thereof, leave something strong ingrained in us.

I had been a Christian for 17 years and I wanted the “more.” I was tired of just believing the Bible. I was questioning why we weren’t doing what the Bible says if we actually believed it. God had been taking me on a journey since my grandma died in 2015. She would have been the closest thing to a “dad” in my life that I had. I was done playing church and I wanted what was real. I wanted all Jesus had to offer if it was real. My husband and I found ourselves at a Christian conference that I joke is for "christians to get saved at."

But really I was questioning if I even understood the cross.

I’ve preached the cross and Jesus crucified, taking our sins and dying the death we should have but I felt for the first time as a Christian in that moment, that I really didn’t get it deep down.

Something was missing.

I was so desperate, I told the Lord, “I just want You, whatever’s real whatever You have for me, I want it. If I look like a crazy person and fall out, I don’t care anymore I just want what’s missing, I want more, I don’t care what it looks like.”

I honestly thought I needed to get slain in the spirit to receive what was missing. I had recently received the baptism of the Holy Spirit (Luke 3:16, Acts 11:16) but I felt like something was still missing.