I was a sex addict.
I was a sex addict for 17 years of my 36 years on this beautiful earth
How could I be a sex addict? I loved Jesus more than anything in the world. I grew up in the church, I was at youth group every Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday.
I have had more “partners” than I care to admit.
I was addicted to pornography.
I would have sex multiple times a day (sometimes with different men) then go home, watch porn, and practice self-love.
My mind was wild.
I could be in the act with a man and not even be present in the moment.
I would immediately go to another world.
A world in which I have seen before in a porno that I had watched or some made up fantasy.
I would not even see the physical man in front of me sometimes; I would see the man I watched on the TV or any other person I wanted to imagine being with.
I just craved sex.
I could have cared less about the men I slept with; I just loved sex and that is all it was to me, just sex, nothing more, nothing less.
What was wrong with me?
Doctors diagnosed me with "all of the things" including: chronic anxiety, depression, PTSD and Bipolar II in 2016. And at 31 years old, AFTER I tried to commit suicide, I was heavily medicated for my own safety and for the safety of my two young children.
At this time in my life, I had the most amazing boyfriend (who is now my husband) and I truly believe he was the beginning of a massive shift that was taking place. A shift I knew nothing about at the time, but looking back now, I see it and I smile.
MASSIVE SHIFT INCOMING….
I received a text from a dear friend of mine (who is extremely Spirit filled) telling me about the common side effects from the medication that I was on in June of 2020.
She told me that she is one of my biggest cheerleaders and she received a word that this medication is doing more harm than good and to please read all the information sent with an open mind and that she is praying for me. The end of her text included a song by Kim Walker Smith called, “You’ll Always Be.” She knew my love for music – she knew I would listen to the song before reading any of the information she sent, and that the song would completely wreck me - she knew what she was doing.
Immediately after I listened to the song, I wept.
I began to read over the information that was sent to me. I immediately texted my friend Amanda and told her that I was done with "big pharma" and I wanted to receive complete and total freedom in Jesus.
Amanda then replied, “YOU NEED A SOZO.” I was like “Ummmm what is that?” She explained to me that it is an Inner Healing Appointment with The Father for complete and total freedom. She was able to put me in contact with a trusted person and I set up a Zoom appointment for July 13, 2020.
A day or two before that appointment, I received a text from another friend, and it was a link to a video from “Desiring God,” by Pastor Matt Chandler. I opened the YouTube link, and again was completely wrecked by what I watched and listened to.
Here is a little synopsis:
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As a freshman in college, Matt was in class and happened to randomly sit next to a 26-year-old single mother who did not know the love of Jesus, never went to church, and who was there to just get her degree.
He introduced himself to her and shared the love, grace, and mercy of Jesus with her and they established a friendship. He then mentioned that he and his friends would go to her home and help babysit her daughter.
The mother happened to be in an extra marital affair, and they talked to her about the wisdom in that and just loved her and her daughter through. This was the relationship they had with her, explaining to her all things spiritual.
Matt’s friend was in a Christian band and was going to play at a church and he invited her to come and watch a concert - he said he knew what he was doing, he just wanted to get her to church.
The band played and it was great. Then, the minister of the church came out to speak and he wanted to speak about sex. Matt’s reaction was “UH OH, this could be a problem.” The minister then held up a beautiful red rose. He then smelled it and showed how beautiful it was and then threw it into the crowd of 1,000.
He said everyone needed to smell it, touch it and look at it while he began to teach. Matt said it was one of the worst, most horrific handlings about what sex is and isn’t that he had ever sat through.
He was thinking to himself in his head with his friend Kim beside him, “What are you doing?”
As the minister wraps up his teaching, he yells out “WHERE IS MY ROSE?!?” A kid came up with the rose and it is completely jacked up. The stem is broken, petals missing, and the minister lifted it up and said “NOW WHO WOULD WANT THIS?! WHO WOULD WANT THIS ROSE?!”
Matt said he remembers this overwhelming feeling of legit “I want to hurt him" anger and it was all he could do to not scream out “JESUS WANTS THE ROSE!!!!!!”
That is the point of the gospel! That Jesus wants the rose.
For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we may become the righteousness of God in Him. (2 Cor 5:21)
That while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (Rom 5:8)
The minister was not even teaching the basics of our faith.
I was completely wrecked by what I had just watched and listened to.
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BREAKING GENERATIONAL CURSES IS HARD! BUT I’D RATHER IT BE ME THAN MY KIDS.
Iniquities will be continually unfolded, delivered, and healed for the generations ahead for 400 years!
On July 13, 2020. I was so dang nervous. I had no idea what to expect. I did not know this woman I was about to meet with on Zoom. She started the meeting with an introduction, and she said that she had prayed and asked God, “What is on Your heart for Monique?”
Here is what The Father shared with her.
“She is uniquely qualified to carry out many purposes spiritually. This appointment is about clearing out space to handle (to hold, store, learn) the spiritual weapons she will need to carry. Like Joseph, I will use what has come against her to purposes of good. She will thrive under teachings and learning (lesson) that the churches haven’t been teaching until now. But this is turning around too. She’s a warrior who doesn’t realize her value. Watch and see what I will do through her sphere of influence.”
She knew absolutely NOTHING of my past and God revealed this to her.
I said to myself at that moment, “this is going to be an appointment of a lifetime!”
And hot dang, I was right.
I forgave every abuser in my life. I forgave the fathers of my 2 oldest children. I forgave my mother. That one was hard for me to comprehend why I needed to forgive her.
There was a generational curse on my family which included abuse, getting pregnant young and divorce.
She explained to me as a mother of three children (one of which will be a teenager soon) that I must use my Authority as the daughter of The King to break these curses so that my children and future generations of my family line will be set free.
Well, if you know me and my love I have for my children and just children in general (I just want to save all the kids, that’s a story for a different day...)
General curses were shattered back to the pit of hell where they belong. My kids and their kids and their kids and their kids are FREE.
Next, she then asked me to ask The Father, "What generational blessings do you have for my family?"
I was shown a tunnel, and this tunnel was full of great light.
A lot of tears happened in the moments after forgiving my Mom - she did not know about generational curses and, if she did, I am sure she would have stepped in the gap and broken them too.
My Mother was not a bad mother, she did not know...but I had to forgive her.
Can you guess what The Father presented me with as a gift after I forgave my mama? A beautiful, whole and complete (lacking nothing) red rose.
I just sat there with my eyes closed crying my eyes out and kept saying, “Thank you Jesus.”
I know exactly why He chose to present me with that rose.
He wanted me. He always wanted me. He always adored me. He always loved me. He was always there.
Every soul tie with every man I had ever slept with was broken that day.
My 2-hour appointment ended up being almost 3.5 hours long and was oh-so-worth every second. It was filled with a lot of tears, aches, and smiles and more tears. (If you know me, you know I am a huge crier.)
Friend, can I tell you how amazing it is not being shackled in chains?!
I have complete and total freedom from EVERY sex addiction and urge I ever had experienced!
This is only possible from the radical encounter I had with The Father that day.
Since then, in 2021 I have been Baptized in the Spirit and life has been legit lit ever since.
I have learned to tap into my God-given authority and truly live out the ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.
What a sweet time, especially now to bring The Kingdom to Earth.
Sweet friend, I am here to tell you that I am living proof of what the mercy of God can do.
You are loved! You are seen! You are adored! You are cherished and you are oh-so-worthy of unconditional love by The Father.
He wants you, ALL of you and will meet you where you are at this very moment.
He just wants you! I cannot stress that enough.
Oh, sweet friend, I pray you ENCOUNTER the love of The Father in a radical and intimate way today.
Father God,
I pray for radical BREAKTHROUGH in the name of Jesus for whoever the person is reading this and needing this right now! I pray that every chain bound to this person be broken in the name of Jesus! I pray for total and complete freedom in the name of Jesus! Father God, I pray against any and every lie from the enemy, that those lies be banished back to the pit of hell where they belong. We do not partner with lies of the enemy here, only love and truth from You, Father. Father God, I pray that this person right now reading this would know their worth, how worthy they are Jesus.
Psalm 139:6 comes to mind right now - “Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book, they were all written, the days fashioned for me, when yet there was none of them.”
Father God, I pray that You would meet this person in their secret hidden place with You (Matthew 6:6) I pray that they would lean on You and Be Still. I thank You God for never leaving us alone. I thank You God for always being there in the thick of it with us, and in the trenches. I thank You for always being our strong tower.
Thank You, Jesus, for my friend who is reading this. Thank You, Jesus, for their life. I am so excited for this new season they are going to walk through with You. I thank You Jesus for what You are going to do in their life Jesus - Hallelujah! I love You Jesus, AMEN.
Friend, let me leave you with the lyrics to a song called Mercy. As you know, a simple song sent to me from a friend assisted in saving my life all over again. And it led me back to my Heavenly Father where I received complete and total freedom.
MERCY by Elevation Worship & Maverick City
I'm living proof Of what the mercy of God can do If you knew me then, you'd believe me now You turned my whole life upside down Took the old and He made it new That's just what the mercy of God can do
Now I'm alive to tell the story How I've overcome It's His goodness and mercy And the power of His blood I'm so glad that my freedom Wasn't based on what I've done But the goodness and mercy And the power of the blood So much power in the blood, oh-mmh
I thought I deserved Oh, to be six feet beneath the earth For all the things I've done, the things I've said The choices made that I regret Oh, I would still be lost, oh But for the mercy of God
Now I'm alive to tell the story How I've overcome It's goodness and mercy And the power of the blood I'm so glad that my freedom Wasn't based on what I've done But the goodness and mercy And the power of the blood Oh, the power of my Savior's blood Oh, its was Jesus' blood, Jesus' blood
Was the cross meant for me? That my Savior carried Now I've been made free By the mercy of God Was the grave meant for me? Where my sin lay buried Now I stand redeemed By the mercy of God
~ Monique
Kim Walker Smith – You’ll Always Be https://youtu.be/uhjiG3Ns6W0
Matt Chandler “The Rose” start at 1:53 https://youtu.be/xM7nHMOvKpg
Elevation Worship & Maverick City – Mercy https://youtu.be/Fvww0_6GWYU